It's definitely been a rough transition for me. Michael violated all the trust I had for him and completely raped it. He was unfaithful, as was I, but he carried on romantically and I don't know how far he took it. Evidently far enough, because they're together now and I lay her in bed in the dark covered in white sheets and a white blanket in this new empty apartment, struggling to get to sleep and it's almost midnight. I arrived home exhausted from work and these days I've been sleeping more than I should. That's all I've really been doing. It makes me feel better and is a painless escape. I've been feeling insane feelings of self-loathing, depression and anxiety post my suicide attempt. It's frightening that I almost died and even more frightening that thoughts that never occurred to me about killing myself were taking over my mind yesterday on the drive home from work. They don't last very long. I ponder bleeding all over these white sheets and just passing out. Evidently taking pills did nothing and I ended up peeing my pants in the ER. It's disgusting to even think about.
Now I have to pick up the pieces and get my life back together. Do I want to? I don't know. I could just feel sorry for myself and lay here in bed like I have been doing. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll get back to the bars. I just don't feel like dealing with all the rejection that comes with that. Maybe if I lose 10 lbs. Or maybe I'll just go. I don't know how I got this self-loathing. I don't know where I learned to hate myself so much. But I do. And I don't want to get on antidepressants because I'll get even fatter and become a bigger fucking outcast. So for now I'll just suffer. Drink a beer or three.
I'm trying this new thing that started this morning where I'm not drinking caffeine. It's probably a good idea for those who have anxiety disorders to not drink caffeine, and I've been in denial for more than 6 years. Maybe it's time to let go of that denial and caffeine abuse and see what happens.
Fuck my life.
I feel bad for the patients that end up coming to me when I'm a doctor.
I'm so fucked up.
I just want to go to bed. Not trying to slam any Benadryl because I'll feel it for hours. Actually, I don't even have any at this apartment yet.
That's what I get for napping for a couple hours when I got home.
Yay for Jinkx Monsoon winning!!!