Log in

The Tried and True Story of a Red Bull Prostitute.
May 2013
Miguel Anjel Perez
Tue, May. 7th, 2013 11:52 pm

It's definitely been a rough transition for me. Michael violated all the trust I had for him and completely raped it. He was unfaithful, as was I, but he carried on romantically and I don't know how far he took it. Evidently far enough, because they're together now and I lay her in bed in the dark covered in white sheets and a white blanket in this new empty apartment, struggling to get to sleep and it's almost midnight. I arrived home exhausted from work and these days I've been sleeping more than I should. That's all I've really been doing. It makes me feel better and is a painless escape. I've been feeling insane feelings of self-loathing, depression and anxiety post my suicide attempt. It's frightening that I almost died and even more frightening that thoughts that never occurred to me about killing myself were taking over my mind yesterday on the drive home from work. They don't last very long. I ponder bleeding all over these white sheets and just passing out. Evidently taking pills did nothing and I ended up peeing my pants in the ER. It's disgusting to even think about.

Now I have to pick up the pieces and get my life back together. Do I want to? I don't know. I could just feel sorry for myself and lay here in bed like I have been doing. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll get back to the bars. I just don't feel like dealing with all the rejection that comes with that. Maybe if I lose 10 lbs. Or maybe I'll just go. I don't know how I got this self-loathing. I don't know where I learned to hate myself so much. But I do. And I don't want to get on antidepressants because I'll get even fatter and become a bigger fucking outcast. So for now I'll just suffer. Drink a beer or three.

I'm trying this new thing that started this morning where I'm not drinking caffeine. It's probably a good idea for those who have anxiety disorders to not drink caffeine, and I've been in denial for more than 6 years. Maybe it's time to let go of that denial and caffeine abuse and see what happens.

Fuck my life.
I feel bad for the patients that end up coming to me when I'm a doctor.
I'm so fucked up.

I just want to go to bed. Not trying to slam any Benadryl because I'll feel it for hours. Actually, I don't even have any at this apartment yet.
That's what I get for napping for a couple hours when I got home.

Yay for Jinkx Monsoon winning!!!

Tags: , , , , , , , ,


Miguel Anjel Perez
Sat, Oct. 2nd, 2010 12:09 am

...the second I get in one, I want to run away screaming. That's how I feel like right now. I'm not a jealous person, at least not when it comes to relationships. I provide a long leash and observe from afar and I feel perfectly safe in that regard. For it is never the other guy hurting me, it's always the other way around. I'm the destructive one. And lately the self-destructive one. I couldn't bear being out tonight. The gay scene in San Diego is getting so blasé. I'm turning into this person I swore I'd never be. I can't believe I'm in on a Friday night typing my little heart out on in an online journal, but the process is oddly therapeutic. I've been in southern California for about a month and I don't know many people here. That's the glory of being in the military: the bouncing from locale to locale is both exhilarating and depressing at the same time - with every new location I have to start over. New friends, new lovers...building my reputation and home from scratch. I'm honestly exhausted of going out and meeting people I honestly won't remember the next day. Drinking myself into obllivion and dancing on stages with people I don't fucking know. It's depressing. When I was younger I looked up to the slutty chicks and ripped guys I saw dancing at the clubs on television, except now they rather bore me. For it's those same hardcore clubbers who do that every weekend, go work at their shitty ass jobs to make the money that will buy the drinks that coming weekend, and have nothing left over. In California, status is everything. Got the flash and bling and Beemer, but no cash in the bank account. The credit cards maxed out. 

I'm watching some roller derby thing tomorrow...so I'm expecting dykes on roller skates. There'll be alcohol on the premises and that's all I really care about.

Where the fuck is my pizza? It's midnight and I'm not even hungry anymore, been waiting so long. I'm getting...very sleepy. It'd be an asshole move to pop some Benadryl and risk missing the pizza guy. I already took cash out of the ATM so I can overtip him for driving so far at this late of an hour for pizza I hardly even want. But it felt right to order. I'm watching some Angelina Jolia movie and she's so gorgeous it's depressing and stuffing my face seems like the right to do. I'm reading her biography at the moment... or rather I was reading her biography. The first have was essentially all about her family and it put into a slumber: I'm over it. It can sit on the shelf until the library folk start e-mailing me to return it. 

Where the fuck is my pizza?

Hopefully the boyfriend isn't getting too drunk in Disneyland which would end up getting him raped by the guy that took him up there. The one he's currently entangled with. The shit I get myself into.

Committing myself to this relationship was either one of the brightest decisions I've ever made or one of the most retarded.

Pizza guy's here. That doorbell scared the absolute shit out of me. 


Miguel Anjel Perez
Fri, Oct. 1st, 2010 11:34 pm

 I just wrote a book of an LJ entry and accidentally deleted it. Fuck it. But that shit was nice to get off of my chest. Oh well.


Me = hella busy with school.
Dating a new boy that I met on some app on my Droid.
He's currently entangled with someone else who he's trying to break up with.
I want him to take his sweet ass time doing that because I'm HELLA BUSY WITH SCHOOL.

: )


Miguel Anjel Perez
Fri, Aug. 27th, 2010 11:29 pm

 Thanks for coming to see the show. However, it seems to me that I have misplaced the programs to hand out. And the scripts. Costumes. All I have is the the fake, sunless tanner smeared all over my torso, arms, face, and the parts of my back I could reach on my own. I should really take out my contact lenses to make myself more presentable, but I'm so terribly not in the mood. So they shall remain in and my contacts case shall remain empty...my contact lens solution container with just as many ounces in it as there were this morning. 

 I'm accustoming to SD pretty nicely. I could use a few more friends and a tad bit more cash in my pocket, but what can you do? That's what I get for the outrageous shopping sprees my Visa card endured these past couple weeks. I'm sure my liver's not to fond of the escapades I put it through since my arrival in California. But I've been down. I have no friends with the exception of my algebra book and my TI-89 plus, which I actually sold on eBay a few hours ago. I didn't know the original 89 was going to be so fucking prehistoric. I want my gadgets new and up-to-date. 

Think that's all I got for now. I'm fucking exhausted. But I decided earlier this evening that I want to start saving the world, one gay young man at the time. And no, not my penetrating them with my penis: that would be wrong, but by providing a shoulder on which they can cry/lean on and provide excellent advice free of charge.

Lucci comes back tomorrow. I don't know how I feel about that. Hope to god it's not all going to be "I love my girlfriend" this and that. Because if it does turn into that, I'm fucking hanging myself. Throw myself out of this 3rd story window. I wouldn't necessarily feel the greatest about leaving a cesspool of a mess for the Mexican janitors on base to clean it up, but I'm sure they'll find something in my wallet they'd enjoy as payment.

C'est la vie.



I'm too exhausted to fix typos right now. And I don't think I'll find it necessary to do it later. It's my fucking journal. I'll do what I want.

Current Mood: sleepy sleepy


Miguel Anjel Perez
Wed, Dec. 23rd, 2009 04:26 pm

Mine definitely crashed on me this morning and I definitely had to restore it back to default with iTunes this morning. Thank God that Jesus secretly backs up all my apps and contacts at night or right now I'd be HELLA pissed. Anyway, today is 2 months for me and my babycakes. The time is flying by. And happily so. I can't recall the last time I stayed with someone this long. If ever. And it's only 2 months. That's pathetic, right? I think yes. He's a country bumpkin' but I honestly barely notice anymore. I can't honestly tell you the last time I even remember noting his country accent. Guess that means I'm getting used to it. Not a bad thing at all. Everything is basically perfect with him except that he doesn't have the mad, intense fucking crazy ass sex drive that I do. I have the hormones of a an 18 year-old boy...he's got the hormones of a 72 year-old woman. So I'm basically raping him all the time and he's always like "*grunt* I'm tired..." Well, not always...but not not like the couple times a day that I want it.

Tomorrow's Christmas Eve here in Japan. I got him this necklace from Tiffany's that I had shipped to my friend Teresa in the states and she shipped it here, since Tiffany's won't ship here for some reason. It's this pretty little crucifix pendant with a diamond set in the middle. It's gorgeous. Hopefully he'll love it. And then I got him this little skillet kind of thing. He lives in a dorm on base and he doesn't have a stove in his tiny room...obviously, so this way, I can make him breakfast or whatever in the early morning on the weekends. : )

Here are some photos:


Current Mood: sleepy sleepy
Current Music: 4 Minutes - Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake


Miguel Anjel Perez
Sat, Dec. 12th, 2009 10:49 pm

Love you LJ! Been a while. I'm at some country club with my boyfriend called Western World right now. Sugoi!!! If I didn't love him so goddamn much I wouldn't fucking be here. But I do. So here I am : )

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Current Location: Japan, Okinawa-ken


Miguel Anjel Perez
Sat, Sep. 5th, 2009 01:02 pm

I don't know if anyone's ever picked up on this, but percocet makes all my dreams like hella vivid. CLEAR. It's pretty scary. Especially when I've been having dreams that are unusually frightening rather frequently lately. *sighs*


Miguel Anjel Perez
Sat, Sep. 5th, 2009 12:31 pm

I flew back home to Kenosha yesterday afternoon and I was stuck at O'Hare International Airport for approximately 2 hours waiting for my stepdad to pick me up. I broke my leg in Afghanistan a couple weeks ago and that's why I got the chance to come home yet again. This time around I'm in constant pain and I'm rather glad that I don't have to go back to work at that clinic in Japan just yet. I'm not ready. Not emotionally and definitely not physically. I'm on crutches for christsakes and I have staples running up my leg. Last night I had my morphine capsules, percocet and my mom's sleeping pills rock me to sleep. It worked. I was finally able to sleep a whole night through, and even though my leg was screaming when I woke up, I felt surprisingly refreshed.

Today's Denny's b-day and we took him out to some buffet to eat for breakfast and then I threw down on his HDTV for his present. He's a good kid. He deserves a sweet tv. Now, tomorrow...tomorrow's a day for me. So I'm hitting up J.Crew and Polo and Barnes & Nobles and hell, maybe I'll even get mysel one of those little Amazon Kindle things. After all, I deserve it. I was wounded in Afghanistan. And yes I plan on milking that for as long as I possible can.

I need new clothes for the majority of mine are packed away god knows where in Okinawa right now. And I don't even want to start to think about where all my military gear is right now. Hopefully they were able to ship that shit of back to base successfully. : )

The good thing about being a little crippled is that these painkillers I'm on reduce my appetitite to miniscule proportions so I'm dropping weight pretty nicely. I also have basically no sex drive which is great since I refuse to have crippled sex. For a couple reasons. My left leg is hella swollen, it's still got staples in it and yellow stuff oozes out from one site. Sexy, eh? That's right. No sex for me.

Just white russians. And the bottle of champagne I bought this morning.

Current Music: Cruz Y Maldicion - R.K.M. & Ken-Y


Miguel Anjel Perez
Fri, Feb. 27th, 2009 10:43 pm

in the middle of nowhere, bumfuck Fredericksburg, Virginia for military training. 16 hours worth of plane rides to get here. This middle of nowhere is surrounded by an Olive Garden, a Joe's Crab Shack (where I went yesterday for the first time and the crab cakes taste like printer paper), a TGI Friday's, Fuddruckers, and a few other places. My heart and tummy have been kept happy. I cannot begin to explain to you how unbelievable sick I am of Japanese food.

I'm being careful around here though. I hear that 1/5 people in the D.C./SE U.S. have HIV/AIDS and I'm doing rather fine without it. I made it this far with all the risky behavior I seemingly throw myself into. A fucking lot.

Most people bring souveniers back from the places they travel.

HIV just doesn't seem like something I'd want to drag back with me. I don't think it'd fit in my carry-on.


Miguel Anjel Perez
Sat, Dec. 20th, 2008 02:02 pm

til put the sushi binging, sake drinking on hold and jet off to chicago. i don't even own any winter clothes because it's always pretty over here. i don't know what i'm gonna do about that situation, and to be quite frank, i'm just not gonna think about it. ignorance is bliss. but i wanna go ice skating with Teresa in downtown chicago and hit up all the stores they don't haaaave over here. imma go wild. i promise you that.

i'm officially a lesbian now.
no more boys.
i'm too indecisive and picky and i'll never settle down because in the back of my mind I always tell myself "hey, you can do better."

i don't know if i'm suffering from some kind of psychological disorder, but if i am and you see that...lemme know, yeah?